... I'm too freaking lazy to blog even though I have a lot to say. I have numerous entries that I started and never finished. I annoy myself. It's mostly because I spend more than 2 hours a day commuting, 9 hours at work, then go home and spend my few hours awake with Jeffrey and our dog, Bella. I wake up at freaking 5:30am and don't get home until about 6:30ish at night.

Sucks.

But this economy ain't doing so hot, so I suppose I shouldn't complain and I should just be happy that I have a pretty stable job. ::knock on wood::

I'm also pretty lucky that I have a wonderful coworker who keeps me sane for those 9 hours... and even outside of that. Too bad he's going to law school in a few months. Boohoo for me, but yay for him. Hello e. 'lol haha'

Oops, I sidetracked from I hate it when Wednesday. Oh well.

I've had my fair share of fun flings, but I've been head over heels in love twice in my life.

The first time was with my high school sweetheart, who I was with for 5 years. We went to a 7th-12th grade magnet school. We met randomly in a chat room (back in the olden days of AOL chat rooms) the summer right before we started at our new school. For some reason, he was in a "Pinoy/Pinay" chat even though he wasn't Filipino. We IMed each other only because someone in the room asked what school everyone attended and we both said we were going to attend Whitney. Who woulda thunk I'd end up with this guy for 5 years on and off? I definitely didn't.

It was intense and passionate. There were butterflies and sweaty palms. There were sparks and it was exciting. We were each other's first everything and anything. Unfortunately, I was at a very bad point in my life and I was depressed. No one could help me and my frustrations were always taken out on him. I was really self-destructive and I put him through hell, but he stood by me for 5 years even when I continually pushed him away and tested his limits. If I were him, I would have broken up with me in a heartbeat.

Our time had finally run out and I broke it off with him one last time. I loved him the best way I knew how, but I know it wasn't very good at all. He deserved someone so much better -- someone who had a healthy mindset, someone who loved herself so that she could properly love the other people in her life. To this day, I still feel bad thinking about what a better high school experience he could have had if I were different back then. I was so insecure with life and all of my actions showed it.

Now, almost 5 years later with a lot of traveling (which really helped me appreciate life), growing and maturing under my belt, I look back and am so happy to now be that someone a great guy like my first love deserved -- the girl with the healthy mentality who knows how to love others because she finally learned to love herself, the girl who wants to squeeze everything she can out of life instead of always wanting it all to just be over. What makes me even happier is that for the past (almost) 5 years, I've been with someone as wonderful, if not more wonderful, than my first love -- the difference is, this time, I deserve him, the wonderful guy... I deserve this great love story I'm living.

They say, "When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible." Call it cheesy, sappy, cliche, etc., but I couldn't relate to this more. I'm still young and will only be turning 23 in March, but now that I'm with the love of my life, I honestly can't wait for everything that comes next. I can't wait to move in together, be engaged, plan a wedding, be a wife and mother and take care of my own family.

I want everything that comes with the next steps -- having meals ready for each other when we come home, asking each other "What do you want for dinner tonight?" giving each other back rubs after a long day at work, having someone to go home to, being annoyed at one another's little daily habits, going on vacations, staying home and doing nothing, having no money to do anything, falling asleep together and waking up to each other every day, going grocery shopping and looking through coupons and saying "Hey baby, what brand of deodorant do you use? There's a $1 off coupon for Axe!" wondering whose turn it is to wash the dishes, and even stressing out about all of our bills.  I want it all -- good and bad, sunshine and rain, laughter and tears... everything, as long as it's together.

We've had our roadblocks, our mountains of challenges I didn't think we'd get over. We've caused one another so much heartache and we still have kinks to deal with that are sometimes just out of our control. We have our disagreements, but in the end, there is one thing we always agree on -- there's just something about the other that leaves us always coming back. Bottom line is... we're in it for keeps.

I finally got myself to a movie theater (I have to be in a certain mood to go) and I'm so glad I did because Clint Eastwood was excellent in Gran Torino! I thought it was just going to be a serious movie, but it was actually really funny. I loved it! I was expecting it to maybe be one of those movies that's too emotional and leaves you feeling heavy (as I've heard about Revolutionary Road), but it wasn't. If it wasn't for all of Clint Eastwood's character's witty, smart ass remarks, the movie would have been stale.

I also recently saw La Vie En Rose. I loved that movie too! It was one of those films where I was sad that it was over, not because the movie itself was sad, but because I enjoyed it so much and didn't want it to end. The last time I remember feeling that way was when I finished reading The Da Vinci Code years ago. To be honest, I didn't know who Édith Piaf was before this, but damn was she an emotionally tortured, yet incredible woman and artist.

On Friday night, I took my second trip to Sushi Sasabune in LA. We got the Japanese version ($90/person) of the omakase (they have an American version too with less exotic seafood). The Japanese version comes with 15 plates (while the American comes with 10 and is $60/person I believe) and we added 2 or 3 more plates to it. The 17-18 plates of goodness (per person) left my clothes bursting at the seams. kevinEats has a good entry about Sasabune and we ate pretty much everything he photographed (the sea urchin too!).

2 thumbs up for Gran Torino, La Vie En Rose and Sushi Sasabune... which equals 6 thumbs up!

I wrote this like a year ago... I found it right now in my old emails, and I still feel the same way.

Here's my idea of the perfect love song, or at least my idea of exactly how a guy should feel when it comes to his woman:
       

          BetterMan - Musiq Soulchild

Musiq took the words right out of my mouth. This song is exactly how I want a guy (well... not just any guy, but the right one) to feel about me. And it's exactly how I want to feel about him.

This might all sound idealized, but I realize now that this stuff does exist and it's quite indescribable when you're actually living it. It's just amazing... to make that kind of difference in someone's life and for someone to have that same impact on you. To feel like you want to push yourself to be a better person, to be the absolute best that you can be. To want to make him/her proud and to feel like everything you do for yourself, in a way, you're also doing for that person. To want to challenge yourself and to feel confident that you can accomplish anything because you know that he/she is your number 1 fan and biggest supporter. To fully appreciate everything you have in your life because he/she makes you so happy to be living. To look forward to things as simple as a phone call or text and to feel like you're on some sort of high after. To be so content that even when you walk somewhere alone in the freezing cold knowing you look like a mess from the wind plus a combination of a lack of sleep and not having time to eat, you still smile from ear to ear the entire way to yourself and to everyone who passes by you. To think "Wow, I'm finally becoming that guy/girl I always wanted to be." To have that glow that makes your friends say "I've never seen you this happy." To be so overwhelmingly grateful and satisfied with everything that he/she just makes you want to thank everyone else in your life. To be thankful for everything (bad and good) that happened in your life before you met him/her that led you to get to that fateful moment. To literally want to stand on top of a mountain and scream "I FREAKING LOVE LIFE!!!!!!!"

Now this... all of this... is my idea of the "perfect" relationship and the "perfect" life.

I can go on and on, but you get the gist of it. And if you don't understand what I'm saying, hang in there because like I said earlier, I realize firsthand that this does exist and it can happen to anyone, as long as you don't settle for anything less. It sounds so simple, but the right person really should make you feel like you want to be a better man/woman. I can't imagine it any other way now. And, like Carrie Bradshaw said, "Refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies."

Hallelujah Amen Carrie and Musiq!

"When one door closes another door opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us." - Alexander Graham Bell